Find Jesus! (The following is a report I had done over a year ago on My old server. I had hired a sketch artist from the Chicago Police Department's Area 5 Investigations. No pictures he had drawn are included since they have been lost (perhaps to heighten the conspiracy?). New photographic evidence will be available shortly!)
Many people have asked Me if I had found Jesus. Well, I thought about the idea for some time, and decided to drop My affiliations with the Center for Missing and Exploited Children and occupy Myself with finding Jesus instead!
Last Seen: 32 A.D.
Description: 6'0ft, 120lbs., shoulder-length greasy brown hair, pitiful brown eyes, scruffy goatee/beard
Style of Clothing: sack cloth robe, rope-style belt, rose thorn headband, possibly sandals, carrying large planks of wood.
Identifying Marks: scar on left side of abdomen, pierced hands and feet.
Alledged Orientation: San Francisco, CA.
This guy (using the alias J.C.) was last reported by nurses from Northwestern Memorial Hospital here in Chicago, apparently after injesting lethal doses of LSD during the Grateful Dead's last performance at Soldier Field.
One nurse stated, "He kept saying, 'I'm the Savior! I'm the Savior!' over and over again. I didn't think much of it until today [after the artist and I approached her]. I just figured he was hallucinating; now it all makes sense!"
Alledged Orientation: Sturgis, SD.
Known as "The Prophet", this independent biker has been seen in several forest preserves throughout the Midwest as well as the Badlands and the Desert regions of the United States.
While many stereotypes of the biker lifestyle is based on strictly partying, bikes and women, this one seems to break the mold. According to aquaintances, many describe The Prophet as "a real caring dude that's not afraid of a good party." One individual stated of a strange occurance we felt you should know:
"Well this pig [referring to a woman - ugh!] O.D.ed on meth and was all shakin' 'n **** and we didn't know what to do. Well, this dude came out of nowhere, laid his hands on her, started whispering sumthin' and then the chic snapped out of it. We were all grateful the guy showed up when he did, 'cuz I think the broad was a runaway or sumthin' and weez all got raps on us... so, well, y'know."
Alledged Orientation: North Pole
Many people the world over know of good ol' St. Nick. It's also a known fact Christ was more fond of children than anything. Then, of course, there's the ties between Christmas and Jesus' birthday [although His real date has never been documented]. So we went out to investigate on this hunch, and came up with a young eye-witness in Bronx, NY. to get a lead on this investigation:
"When mommy was arrested for "turning tricks" [the poor boy obviously doesn't know what he just said], Santa bailed her out of jail. He got me all sorts of neat presents, and mommy doesn't do drugs anymore. Mommy said that he wasn't the real Santa Claus, that he was better than that [what this could only mean should be left to your interpretation]. So if Santa Claus is Jesus, then I believe it!"
Alledged Orientation: Boston, MA.
Here is our final lead. This sketch fits the description of many we were able to get leads on; it could even be you! One in particular was a minor league baseball player, who declined to speak with us.
However, when My artist tapped the man on his shoulder to get his attention, it was the funniest thing, I swear it. He reported he felt a surge go through his whole arm, and that he felt really stiffened, yet strangely warm all over. Could this be as the same tale in the Bible? You be the judge!
Since this investigation originally took place, eye witnesses have come forth with Jesus sightings! Please read on!
Alledged Orientation: Los Angeles, Ca.
A Christian-themed heavy metal band calling themselves "The Apostles" appeared at the famous Whiskey A Go-Go, backing up Stryper. The lead singer, calling himself "Godson" and the rest of the crew apparently put on quite an impressive show!
"The lightning backdrop looked REAL, dude! I was totally blown away! The Apostles totally kicked Stryper's pansy-ass!", was one young man's statement.
"Awesome! I would do *anything* to get up next to Godson!", said one young woman, licking her lips and teeth seductively.
"And I thought this show would totally suck! I mean, it was a free show 'n all. I just went to get out of the house. Now I have a whole new perspective on life -- APOSTLES RULE!", was a third comment.
Searching for further information about this performance was difficult, to say the least. The owner of the Whiskey couldn't remember the band even playing, the line-up has no mention of either band scheduled for that night, and Stryper refused comment on the whole situation, but wore sincere smiles.
Rumor has it The Apostles could be making an appearance at a venue near you! However, it is our suggestion not to rely on event listings, since this report shows Godson and the crew just happen to show up! Your best bet is to grab up a flyer with the "free show" information and attend! Oh - and it wouldn't hurt to grab a camera - My affiliate and I would be very interested in seeing photos of them in action!
Many of you have sent emails of Jesus sightings from all over! Here is a brief listing:
4th row center at the Black Sabbath reunion tour - Dallas, TX. Passing out flyers at the Woodfield Mall - Shaumburg, IL. Overseeing restoration for Year 2000 - The Vatican, Italy "Witnessing" at a person's residence - Virginia Beach, VA. Frontman for "Soundgarden" - Seattle, WA. Holding a secret meeting with President Bill Clinton - Washington, DC. Has also met with members of the United Nations - New York, NY. Bagging groceries at a Pick-N-Save supermarket - Milwaukee, WI. Bussing tables at a Denny's restaurant - Oklahoma City, OK. Flipping burgers at a McDonald's restaurant alongside Elvis taking orders - Las Vegas, NV. Bartending at The Slut Hut - Miami, FL. Being thrown out of Disney Land for disruptive behavior - Anaheim, CA. Protesting in front of an abortion clinic next to a guy dressed up as the Grim Reaper - Baltimore, MD. Shouting slurs at members involved in a Ku Klux Klan rally - Birmingham, AL. Throwing beer at baseballer John Rocker - Atlanta, GA. Posing as Philip Anselmo, lead singer of Pantera during the OzzFest 2000 tour - Alpine Valley; East Troy, Wi.
NEW! A story uncovered by the Weekly World News adds fuel to the fire that Christ does indeed walk among us!
Are new Jesus sightings a sign of the Second Coming?
Should you spot Jesus, email Me and I'll be happy to post your sighting! When My associate and I have the opportunity, We shall investigate the allegation.
If you recogize Him, do not approach Him. Rather, contact your local authorities, or call: